1.Just come I will refund fare
This line is preceded by the lie that M-Pesa is either ‘down’ or float will come later (no one knows from where) and mostly used by hyenas who once sent money mostly to broke college girls who proceed to switch off their phones and later emerge with the excuse that “simu ilianguka kwa chai!”
2. I swear I love cooking to death, baby
A dude who can’t boil an egg to save his life will suddenly transform into a star chef. He will learn to prepare prawn and coconut cake, panko crumb, rocket, red pepper dressing as first course meal. For his baby (who will shortly learn why hens don’t pee), this jamaa will sweat (while following recipe from the Internet) and cook seared chicken with pesto Courgette (which a certain community pronounces as ‘kojeti’), thyme fondant potatoes with herb butter sauce for second course will follow. Undaunted, our hero will huff and puff to impress in having lemon posset, frilled plums, coffee and chocolates for desert!
3. Our matatus are 24 hours
Mathrees will thin by 9pm and there is zero transport between his bedsitter in Kileleshwa and Nairobi CBD... and this line could see you sleeping over...
4. Are you comfortable sleeping in tight jeans?
After the meal in number one (and after a bottle of wine) this line is employed... sometimes without success when the (first) night is cold like a morgue.
5. If you sleep with a bra, you might get cancer
Those who follow instructions in number two are promised a T-shirt if they follow suit with the ‘lift and separate brats’ which is standing down mammary lane...
6. Sleep on the bed, I will be fine on the couch
This line is followed by the rider “You are like my sister we can share a bed and nothing can happen”... without knowing sharing beds with opposite gender can cause pregnancy!
7. I am looking for a woman to marry
Team Mafisi applies this li(n)e when a lass insists she has to see a (Tanzanite) ring with white gold first before any more shenanigans can proceed...
8. The dry spell is giving me backaches
Never mind there is no scientific link between ‘celibacy’ and backaches...and he might have survived the first 15 years of his life like a Tibetan Monk...
9. I will ‘hold’ the fire
If a dude can dispense with rubber, what makes you think he will withdraw in good time after sweating through making you prawn and coconut cake?
10. Si we shower together... tusi chelewe
This is used by dudes whose lasses are in number two meaning they slept in their jeans mpaka chee! It is a last ditch effort to get second time lucky
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